Bored Bertie

I’ve spent days… no weeks… bored out of my mind. I thought about coming here and letting all my friends know what I’ve been doing but there was nothing to report. I was trying not to feel the pressure of social media with such a boring life but it was hard. I wanted to come here and boast about things that never happened and pretend I have the perfect life. But I didn’t. Instead I tried many new things for real.

Reading: The boredom got me pulling books out of the bookshelf. Claws out and straight into the top to pull it out. Books look interesting. They’re colourful and my claws sink nicely into them. The book toppled out and landed like this. Ma looked rather surprised to see this one – as if I somehow wanted to know about her life…. Actually it just made me hungry.

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Reading wasn’t my forte. So I took the opportunity to bathe myself in sunshine, when there was sun.

Honestly, life was becoming boring. So boring in fact, that after attempting to read a book, sunbathe in winter and sit beside the sofa, to see how long it would take before I was noticed, that I then decided to go mad. I ran like crazy in the living room and managed to grab hold of some wool and attach it to my paw. Off we went together, flying from the living room to the hallway. I span round and span again – wow this yarn, the sparkle, it was amazingly fun. And no catnip in sight (or smell). I was deliriously happy but Ma not quite so. Once she took it off me I found an orange bag to sit in. Maybe this would be more interesting. Nope.

So after bag-climbing, yarn-destroying (with the item being made still attached and rapidly unravelling), sunbathing in winter and reading, I was quite hungry.  With a full tum I tucked myself up to sleep in wait for another day. Only, the following days were a complete shock…

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I am no Murderer

So I love to be outdoors. We all know that. And I love mice. I do also love Ma and Pa but when they sit watching Midsomer Murder and don’t seem to notice me then things must change.

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The catflap is amazing and I love to utilise it (and wear the battery down).  The garden is perfect when Ma comes out with me. When she’s not out I like to investigate the front. There is more to choose from out there: there’s the village green; fields upon fields of farm land; hedgerows; and many dogs… I avoid them. But the mice are not in short supply.

So when Midsomer Murder had been on for quite some time I decided something needed to change. My catflap was essential for this plan. I climbed out and went past my neighbour’s house which gives me access to the front (they have two cats but I’ll tell you about my neighbours another day).

Off I went in search of mice and found a lovely dark brown one. I played with it and purred a lot. I do love to catch the mice especially when they run away and I catch them again. But this was no time for games so I put Mouse in my mouth and headed back to the catflap.

No one noticed when I first came in. There was just 10 minutes left of Midsomer Murder – perfect timing! If I got their attention now they would never know who the murderer was.

I popped the mouse behind the ottoman in the hallway and then I jumped on top and started scratching at the cushion. Unusually, it took a while for Ma to come and find out what I was doing. She looked confused and picked me up but I was determined to get down. That mouse was behind the ottoman! She popped me on the floor and I saw another way though, below the radiator. And that was when Ma screamed to Pa that there had to be a mouse there.

I missed all the fun then because they shut me in the kitchen. I could hear them though. The mouse ran towards the front door and passed all the shoes. Apparently they didn’t actually see it go out. So after they released me I watched them spend quite some time shaking the shoes… How many shoes?

I went back to the ottoman but although I could still smell him there he had clearly gone.

Ma and Pa never did find out who the murderer was in Midsomer. It could have been the purrrrfect murder …

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I am no murderer.

The Loft

I thought the bank holiday would be nice. I’d planned to spend time outside in the sunshine chasing blades of grass blowing in the breeze. I’d come home whenever I felt like it and have attention from Pa and Ma. What I didn’t plan on was that there would be no sun, in fact there was mainly rain and my parents had a harebrained idea of using the bankholiday to rip out their ensuite and reinstall a new one.

This, of course, directly affected me. The noise from the drilling was amazingly loud but after the initial shock I decided I’d not let anything stop me sleeping… so I kept sleeping. After all, there was nothing outside of any interest unless I wanted soggy feet.

IMG_6273Today, however, things became far more interesting. After my morning nap which was rudely interrupted by Ma using the electric comb to kill any fleas – I’ll have you know, there are no fleas on me and there never were – things were getting as disruptive as they were the previous few days. Today the sun was shining though and after my cat nap I went out for a little while to see if I could see the bin men coming…. Not as yet so I went home. Upon reaching the top of the stairs an amazing thing happened. It doesn’t occur very often but every now and again these ladders appear from the sky. So the first thing to do was leap up those ladders before anyone could stop me. The only shot Ma got of me doing this was blurred because I moved so fast!

All I could think when I was there was to run round all over the floor and purr so loudly.

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The loft insulation was amazing on my feet but Ma caught me red handed and took me down again… only after I had managed to disappear under a heap of insulation though!

To top the day off Ma held me as we looked out of the landing window. Sure enough the ginormous bin lorry was there and two guys sauntering past. The one looked up and waved at us.