I am not a family guy

I was perfectly happy with my lot in life. Even when I had the grumps I wasn’t really grumpy. Pa even made a toilet for me by the front door so that if it snows again I don’t have to go out too far!

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But there was whispering… I’d follow Aunty C and Uncle E when they walked down the street. It was such fun. I’d check out all the other cats down the road. And when Ma wasn’t home I’d go into their back garden and meow constantly to get them to feel sorry for me. The one time Aunty C even let me in when Ma was there. I wanted to go straight upstairs to find her boys but when I realised that the living room door was staying firmly shut I decided to try and steal one of their toys instead.

So this whispering…. I didn’t notice it at first, or wasn’t bothered by it. I now know what it was about. Constant talk of me apparently being lonely. That I needed a brother or sister. And they picked a sister. A skinny thing that is either 4 or 5 months old, completely undernourished and completely manically running round MY home.

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Meeting for the first time.

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I can’t believe this is what the whispering was about. I didn’t need a sister. I’m not a family guy. I liked being the only one. At the RSPCA Poppy was with two of her siblings and they were called after the characters in Family Guy but Ma changed her name when she got home. Apparently we are both called names that Ma and Pa would have called their children.

Now I have lost all of my beds and toys. She has taken over every rad bed. She follows me everywhere. She butts my head, runs under my feet and purrs ALL the time. I growl and swipe her. She needs to give me a bit more space… especially when she comes onto the bed when I’m there.

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But that’s my bed!

This is my ALL time favourite bed and she has taken it. I feel that my whole identity has been threatened by this little thing. So I have spent more time outside. In fact, today I showed who was boss and made a killing. Trouble is magpies are quite big so I didn’t know what to do with it then. Plus all its family was swarming around up high making a terrible noise so I thought it best to leave it there and go inside.

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It’s been less than 48 hours and I have almost resigned myself to Poppy. She eats my food and so I have to eat it before her and that means sitting next to her, despite her having her own food bowl in another room.

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Reluctantly eating together. Excuse the shoes, Ma had been in the garden and she didn’t tidy them away when she came back in.

The other thing she does is sneak up on me. I’m always watching and aware.

Can you spot Poppy?

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Grumpy Cat and I

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Hello fellow cat friends. As you can see I am currently in competition to be grumpier than Grumpy Cat #grumpycat I know I have more work to do on this look though.

However, I have many complaints – more so than Grumpy Cat could ever have. IMG_7646

This is the view I get from the window upstairs. If you look carefully you can see Starlings. We also have Robins, Great Tits and Blue Tits visiting. I love to watch them along with Ma. She cheats though as she has a book of birds to help identify them.  I simply don’t care. What I do care about is why they fly away every time I go outside.

It is simply not fair.

 

I thought that spring would be coming soon. I know Ma thought the same as she has started growing a whole load of seedlings. Since she did that it has snowed more and we’ve had minus temperatures. It’s very cold to be going outside to the toilet. I think Pa should build me an indoor toilet.

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I’ve been in search of the warmest spot – in a bag full of hats and scarves; on the bed; in a drawer

IMG_6049Sometimes hard surfaces retain the heat if they’re by that white thing on the wall (and yes, Ma was spying on me in the first photo below).IMG_7622

And when my nose is so cold I like to look like a Sausage-Dog and warm my nose.IMG_7547

Ma says spring is coming soon. I see no sign of it yet but I dream of the leafy bushes I can run in and out of, the flowers I can go to the toilet on, the birds tweeting, and the warm sun on my back. For now I sit at the window and wait in hope while practicing my glum face.

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Just Like Pa. Man at Work.

I like to think I take after Pa. He’s really good at annoying Ma and I’ve learnt a lot from him. I stood by his mug smelling the coffee and contemplating how I could be just as annoying.

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I want to be like Pa – Man at Work!

All it took was a little bit of creative thinking.

Firstly, the food issue. I am getting more of the food that I want but it’s got to be fresh. If there’s any left in the bowl (no matter how full) this is not fresh. The way to get Ma on side is to start putting my claws in her curtains. I started with the ones in the bay window but she confused this with me wanting to look out of the window. This was clearly getting me nowhere. To get the message home I clawed other curtains too, even the ones that are open. She shrieks at me in a shrill voice but I get what I want.

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Escaping capture from the windowsill.

I’d like to be like Pa in other ways too. I like his tool kit and how he can do useful things. So when the panel on the side of the bath began to come away I decided to investigate. I clawed the top to pull it open a little more and then as soon as there was enough space I climbed in. It was a tight fit, I’m telling you. Although the vet did say I’d gained a bit of weight recently so maybe that was why.

So under the bath it’s really exciting! It’s dark, dusty and there’s holes in the floor. What an adventure! Ma did not think so. She heard me walking about and came up to investigate. She pulled the entire panel off and tried to find me. She couldn’t – ha! She called and called and I only meowed when she started putting the panel back.

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Under the bath excitement

I wasn’t at all pleased to be taken out from under there. She always spoils my fun.

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Miserable boy that I am!

When Pa got home he got his fabulous tool bag out and then replaced the panel. I tried really hard to get it off again but to no avail. He was too good at his job.

I like being like Pa.

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Just like Pa

Snow Bomb

They called it Snow Bomb. I call it cold and not nice.

So after boredom I was surprised how life could change quite so unexpectedly. I awoke one morning and the back garden was white. Literally white… and cold.

Now there is one thing I always do in the morning and that is to go to the toilet. I went to the front door believing the white would only be out the back. Pa opened the door and I could not believe how bright and cold it was out there. I was not going out. I was holding on… forever.

But holding on is not fun and there is only so long you can hold on for. And so I ventured out. I could feel the cold on my paws and the whiteness was odd. But this was just the beginning.

I maybe 3 years old (I’m a big boy now) but I’ve not really seen snow quite like this before.

The problem with being me is that I am short. As I’ve already told you, I have a short tail and stumpy legs. There is nothing elegant about me. So this snow was becoming a bit of a problem. And to make it worse, it just kept on snowing…

Ma measured the snow: This is very scientific, you know. That was a whole ruler that succumbed to the snow. Almost 12 inches. No wonder I didn’t want to go out and disappear inside the white stuff.

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I sat at the window and stared out. How can the world suddenly be white? What does this mean? Is there a God? And where does food come from?

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At night the temperatures dropped. I’m lucky as I have a fur coat that keeps me warm but I do love those white things attached to the wall that give off heat. I just sit there soaking up the heat – although on this occasion I couldn’t work out why my behind was cold and my face boiling hot.

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Although we still have snow, I have got used to it and it is beginning to melt. I’ve ventured out a lot now. It was actually fun diving into the snow and chasing it.

But now that I don’t need to worry about where to go to the toilet I’m worrying about why the food I’m given is never the one that I want.

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Why don’t I get given freshly cooked fish?

Bored Bertie

I’ve spent days… no weeks… bored out of my mind. I thought about coming here and letting all my friends know what I’ve been doing but there was nothing to report. I was trying not to feel the pressure of social media with such a boring life but it was hard. I wanted to come here and boast about things that never happened and pretend I have the perfect life. But I didn’t. Instead I tried many new things for real.

Reading: The boredom got me pulling books out of the bookshelf. Claws out and straight into the top to pull it out. Books look interesting. They’re colourful and my claws sink nicely into them. The book toppled out and landed like this. Ma looked rather surprised to see this one ….  it just made me hungry.

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Reading wasn’t my forte. So I took the opportunity to bathe myself in sunshine, when there was sun.

Honestly, life was becoming boring. So boring in fact, that after attempting to read a book, sunbathe in winter and sit beside the sofa, to see how long it would take before I was noticed, that I then decided to go mad. I ran like crazy in the living room and managed to grab hold of some wool and attach it to my paw. Off we went together, flying from the living room to the hallway. I span round and span again – wow this yarn, the sparkle, it was amazingly fun. And no catnip in sight (or smell). I was deliriously happy but Ma not quite so. Once she took it off me I found an orange bag to sit in. Maybe this would be more interesting. Nope.

So after bag-climbing, yarn-destroying (with the item being made still attached and rapidly unravelling), sunbathing in winter and reading, I was quite hungry.  With a full tum I tucked myself up to sleep in wait for another day. Only, the following days were a complete shock…

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The Following Episode

I am writing today out of frustration. Do you remember the last episode where I apparently went missing? Well it would seem that Ma and Pa have kept this close to their hearts and believe I am likely to do it again.

Last night they were calling me in. I heard them but chose to ignore. I was actually quite annoyed with them for disturbing the peace – Pa is putting in a fitted wardrobe. He is clearly regretting this decision and I keep hear him saying that next time it’ll be an Ikea wardrobe and he doesn’t care if it doesn’t look as good.

So I wasn’t getting much sleep at all. At bedtime they kept calling me. Nothing. Ma must have this anxiety thing because I heard her say she was sure that I had been eaten by wolves…. Wolves, I ask you? There are no wolves. She corrects herself and says foxes or a badger. She’s only seen one badger here and now apparently my life is threatened by this thing. Convinced I am dead she still keeps popping her head out of the window and calling for me. It’s dark. It’s cold. It’s late. I can’t be bothered to move.

Midnight and Ma is calling again. I’m pretty much stress-free where I am and hope I stay that way. For some reason though she decides to open all the doors in the house and look in the rooms. And there she finds me… all warm and cozy asleep on her coat on the chair. MY place.

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Apparently it’s not my place though and after lots of cuddles she put me in my bed – I’m not allowed out at night.

Now I just dream of sunshine the following day so that I can be outside watching the wind blowing all the leaves about.

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Cat Forum: Interview with Bertie

I’m proud to say that this is my first interview!

Adventures in Cheeseland

Snoops and Kommando Kitty here. Welcome to another edition of Cat Forum. This month we’re talking to Bertie. We liked him the first time we met him. He has cattitude and a great personality.  He’d fit right in here at Cheeseland. You can read more of his adventures at Bertie’s Blog.

Would you please tell us a little about yourself?

Not much is known about my history because I haven’t told anyone. It has  left me with abandonment issues and I am always scared that I shall be left behind the way my previous family did. Because of this I asserted myself very early on. I didn’t care for the humans who called themselves Ma and Pa. I wanted to know what the outside space consisted of, how many houses I could go to try and get food from should the same happen again.

Of course now I’ve been…

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